#Bodygoals-Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
“When you want to change something in your life, it is wise to first address the mindset behind the desire before any physical action is taken.” -Meghan Briana
I hopped in the Mighty Soul community today to talk a little about what I went through with my body dysmorphia and binge eating disorder, and what I now realize the driving force behind my body goal making decision was.
It wasn't that I wanted to be healthier.
It was that I wanted to look good... because at the time I had experienced a lot of rejection for my personality, and I thought the only way people would accept me was if I looked like someone worthy of having a conversation with.
This belief is something we are inundated with. Whether it be from our experiences and environment growing up, or just the massive amount of exposure we have to media and marketing..
We are taught that looking better makes us more worthy of being loved.
We are taught that eating vegetables and chicken and saying “no” to dessert makes us morally good.
And once I started getting attention for my appearance and being glorified in my "healthy habits", I ran with it. This was it. I had figured it out. People really did love me when I was "enough" on the surface.
I mean it was obvious..When I went through my cycles of weight gain/loss each year I would only get positive reinforcement when I was thinner. When I was eating in front of people they would always comment on how “good” I was and how they wished they could eat that well (and hell yea I wore that like a badge of honor). When I was running excessively and eating only vegetables and protein, people would want to have conversations with me about it all like I was some kind of professional at being awesome. When I would take 2-3 hours to do my hair and makeup I would get attention and praise.
So yea. Eating healthy, working out, and focusing on my appearance worked.
And everything was great.
But what was really happening was this;
Suddenly the things I really wanted to say didn’t even matter to me anymore.
I became dependent on everyone else's approval, so when I wasn't getting it I would beat myself up, workout harder, eat less, and then go looking for praise.
I was attracting the kind of people into my life that ONLY cared about the surface, and when my inner light would try to creep through even a little, it would often be a problem..so I kept squashing it.
(and I wondered the whole time why I KEPT finding myself in toxic situations)
I was developing an unnatural relationship with food, and a conditional relationship with my body (I only kinda liked it if someone else told me I should)
Behind the scenes I was bingeing on all of the unhealthy food I didn’t want anyone to know I liked because I didn’t want to lose my “good girl” badge.
I was miserable during those periods of weight gain and I often would skip on doing the things I loved until I had lost the weight again.
I would have severe anxiety attacks if I gained a pound or an inch around my stomach (I measured daily)
I would have severe anxiety around food...it totally controlled me.
I was using alcohol to help me deal with and fit into all of it..
And even worse...
I was continuing to ignore who I was inside because;
1. I hated her. She made me feel unimportant before..so that must be a permanent story.
2. In this world of living on the surface and attracting surface people/circumstances, I was hardly ever in a situation where I had the support to even explore my true identity.
And I cycled through this over and over again for over 13 years.
Throughout this period of time things continued to happen to push me towards a change; toxic relationships, blacking out from drinking too much, being thrown in jail, etc...
But I wasn't able to truly see it all until I made the decision to start healing.
I realized that the story I had believed about myself for so long didn't have to be permanent.
I realized that my beliefs were responsible for attracting a lot of the negative experiences I had had, and they were limiting me from attracting people and things that supported who I really was.
I realized that I couldn't possibly ever experience confidence in who I am by hiding her.
I discovered that I had created this story for myself because instead of finding some way to love who I was, I decided trying to be like everyone else would be better..
I was young..I didn't know any better. I didn't have anyone telling me otherwise. And it all ended up causing me so much more grief in my life than I would have had if I had the support to work on my MINDSET instead of trying to manipulate myself into something I wasn't.
SO many of us want to change our bodies for reasons like this.
And maybe that is you right now...or maybe you are in a situation where you are already deep in it like I was, and you want to take your power back.
Either way I want to challenge you to really get clear on your intention behind your actions in this space, and decide if you think it will truly be better for you to start (or continue) focusing on your body as the problem..or if maybe it is your story you need to work on first.
(If this sounds like you, I would LOVE to have you join us for Vibe Mindful on 2/18. In case you missed it, it is a 4 week group program that will introduce you to eating and living mindfully, and treating your body with love...and it is going to be so powerful-You can check it out and join us here)
Something that I have learned from all of this is that when it comes to changing something about yourself because you don’t like it.. it is so important that you get clear on your goals and intentions before taking any action. It is so important that what you are doing to create your future is coming from a place of love and not fear.
It is so important that before you decide to start working towards any goal, you aren’t doing it because you think you are broken, and no one will love you just as you are.
Because they will.
You just have to find the right ones.
No matter what you do, my love..make sure you understand that your true spirit is never going to stop trying to make itself known..and the more you resist it, the more suffering you are going to bring into your life. You are who you are and you cannot change that, so your best bet is to pay attention and work on being the best YOU that you can (below the surface)…and have faith that once you do, your life is going to be more full of love than you could possibly imagine.
I love you so much
P.S. I really hope you will take advantage of the opportunity I mentioned earlier and join us in the Vibe Tribe next Monday so you can start working on all of this with us<3
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